That’s right, a 1.

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There are certain things on the cracker and cookie aisle that seem to fade into the background. Take Mother’s Cookies, for instance. They’re always there and we just don’t notice them anymore. I fear that Wheat Thins have fallen into this category and I am here to resurrect their importance and value in society. Our little square, sharp friends need to be recognized for their utter brilliance. There are 5 reasons why Wheat Thins are like the Matzoh of Modernity.

Reason 1: 5g of Whole Grain per serving

I don’t know what Whole Grain is, I don’t know what it does for you but I want it in my crackers. You’re there, you’re eating crackers, you’re getting healthier. I like that and so does my mom.

Reason 2: The crunch explosion when I take a bite

Stuff 3 of those bad boys in your mouth and go to town. My neighbor just called to complain about the noise. My wife is deaf. That’s crunchy. Big crunchy.

Reason 3: more Crackers per square inch

Go buy some potato chips and tell me what you get. Go ahead. What do you get? Air. Lots of air in the bag. Why? Physics, people. When they put those chips in there they strategically place them so that it seems like a full bag but they don’t have to put as many. Wheat Thins are square, thin and perfectly flat. They fit together – many of them – stacked in compact spaces. That yellow box equals value.  No hidden tricks.

Reason 4: So much variety, all of them really freakin’ good

Reduced Fat, Low Sodium, Vegetable Garden Flavored, Ranch, Cinnamon – they even have BIG variety if you want to have a BIG mouth and the little one’s seem too small. There are so many types that Nabisco needs two pages to explain it on their website. That’s variety.

Reason 5: They’re the right cracker at more moments than a Morton’s Steak.

Look, if you stuck a Morton’s Steak in my face and said, “you MUST either eat a $100 Steak or some Wheat Thins,” I would probably go with the Steak. But, how often does that happen? Only once in a while. So, as a rule, I’d say that generally Wheat Thins are the right cracker given most of moments of your life.

Thanks, Nabisco.

(now that’s a good looking woman)

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I have a lot of stuff. Firstly, I have several computers. I have a hell of a time figuring out what content is on which computer. This is especially true when it comes to music. I’ll have the inspiration to download an album on one machine and then forget if I synchronized it with another. Recently I was put in the situation where I wanted to to transfer a lot of content from one machine to the next. This was due to the recent purchase of a MacBook Pro. You can read David’s review of that here.

So, I thought about the fact that I have several computers and that I had to transfer some content onto this new machine. I recalled during CES last year, there was a slick, small product called the Seagate FreeAgent Go. It got some decent reviews and I thought that I should probably try it out. It was more expensive than some of their competitors, such as Western Digital. But, the industrial design turned me on and I was won over by cheap plastic and an orange glowing light. Observe…

It’s small like a little address book. It’s brown like a dark leather. It glows like the chocolate bar with the winning ticket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And it works pretty damn well. Of course, it does have it’s drawbacks. I purchased the 160Gb version. This is ample storage. And it works fairly quickly to copy up and save the 40 precious Gb of music that I dumped on it immediately.

The problem’s really started when I wanted it to play nicely with my Mac. I had to do some crazy formatting for it to be recognized by the Mac. You’ll need to go to your Disk Utility and perform some magic. I’m not going to describe the process here because I don’t want to be the cause of any potential damage to your drive. Please make sure, however, that you have nothing on your drive when you essentially format it (ask me how I know).

You’re probably a PC user and you’re thinking that this doesn’t matter to you because you don’t have to worry about all the crazy complications us Mac users encounter. I would ask you to think about the future. Eventually you’re going to switch. As long as you have a portable drive perfect for transferring data back and forth – make sure you know how to use it with your future mac. Have you seen the new iMac? Wow.

All joking aside, the FreeAgent Go comes with Ceedo. This is useful if you want to live off of your portable hard drive. It basically allows you to run programs off of the device, stores your bookmarks, etc. This absolutely does not work with a Mac. I also find it buggy and somewhat annoying. However, it is leaps and bounds better than SanDisk’s crappy-ass U3.

For the most part, this drive is small, light, attractive and glowing. It does the job. It lives in my bag and comes out on a pretty regular basis. I’m a fan of items with some design sensibility. In fact, I’ll pay more for something that has style. The FreeAgent Go gets a 7 for basic functionality and attractiveness.

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The iPhone, depending on the day, is either a brick of gold or just a brick. As I start to integrate this device into my regular phone/ipod habits, I begin to pick up on some of the challenges inherent in the only device that has ever come close to convincing me that convergence is at hand (bad pun, sorry). There are obvious oversights like the lack of a horizontal keyboard when you’re emailing. To me, these seem like things that got overlooked due to release dates. I have faith they will be fixed – as will the entire email application (please do a deal with RIM).

But, one thing that has really bothered me is iPhone usage in the car. When I’m driving I’m doing one of two things (and sometimes both) – listening to music and talking on the phone. Excitingly, the iPhone can do both of these things very well. Why, then, does it all fall apart as soon as I’m in the car?

First of all, I’m appreciative that I can charge it using the same charger I have for my old iPod. But, where do I put the iPhone? An iPod can sit anywhere because it might not need to be used at a moments notice (i.e., phone calls). But with the iPhone, in order to have it handy I have to put it in the cup holder of my center console. This is a dangerous place for a $600 device. Of course if I put it any closer, like on the dash shelf designed for a mobile phone, my car stereo will sound like lightening just struck the antennae of my car. This horrible popping noise must be fixed. There are ways to solve this problem (but with a $600 mobile phone should we really have to do this?). This problem gets worse when you actually try to play music on your car stereo using the iPhone. I utilize a tape adapter. I guess the tape adapter makes it even worse.

Plus, if you use your same old tape adapter, you’re going to need to use this little device because normal headphone jacks don’t fit into the iPhone.

This sucks because you’d love to just plug your iPhone into things like desktop speakers. But, you can’t unless you remembered that strange, long-ass-dongle-thing. But, this doesn’t matter because the interference that’s going to accompany your iPhone usage will negate your desire to listen to music.

But, I digress. Let’s review…

You have a mobile phone that you can’t put in a useful location due to the constant popping and buzzing interference. You can’t listen to music because your tape adapter is making things worse. You certainly can’t do both at the same time, which would be rad – this is a feature I like about using Skype. I can actually listen to music while talking to someone – they can’t hear the music. This makes some conversations a lot more bearable.

On the positive side, bluetooth integration is very good and extremely easy to use. The interface that allows you to switch between the iphone, hands-free and speaker-phone is an example of the kind of simplicity that you’d expect from Apple. I am hoping that car-related features are greatly improved in future software upgrades. Overall, as much I like the iPhone, the usability factor while driving in the car (for all of its many-slpendored features) goes way down. I can’t rate it above a four for usability while driving.

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I waited in line with David. I felt like a nerd because I had spent part of another night with Kurt in a different line. For some reason I just wanted to wait in a line. I’m not sure why waiting in a line appealed to me. I just waited. In a line. I think maybe I waited in the line because everyone in the line was excited to be in the line.

Like the short, terse vibration of a new email on my iPhone, it hit me: why don’t I wait in more lines? I could be a line junkie. My brother waited in line for Return of the Jedi. He still talks about it. “That was awesome,” he regularly notes. “Yeah dude, that sounds rad,” I say back. What happens in these damn lines that make people so stoked?

Is it about hope? It’s like a prom date, but a sure thing. At the end of the line for the Apple iPhone I was going to get iLaid. I mean, is my life so lame that waiting in a line is the equivalent of getting laid on prom night? Holy shit, I’m depressed. I’m going to play with my iPhone now.

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If you’re a man then you have hair on your ass. Some women also have hair on their ass usually in the form of peach fuzz (hopefully). I don’t have too much hair on my ass, but I’m a hairy guy and I, admittedly, have my fair share of ass hair. I’d love to tell you that I’m proud of my ass hair and that if you stood me next to other guys with some ass hair, my ass hair would stand out as particularly attractive ass hair. In fact, I’d love for my ass hair to be a source of pride. But, alas, it is not. Ass hair, in general, is just ass hair.

I have many times pondered, “what is the purpose of ass hair?” I’m sure you’ve wondered too. Luckily for the loyal readers of 1to10reviews, I have discovered the authoritative work on ass hair purpose.

Here’s a tidbit of what the following link contains:

“I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a
towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the
cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair.”

http://www.team-ninja.com/vbulletin/archive/index.php/t-10185.html

Based on this review, I give ass hair a solid 6.

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My Rating: 3.5

Contrary to popular belief, flavor (or flavour if you’re pretentious) is caused by a combination of both taste and smell. Because it is a combination of two senses, not just one, it is an art not a science. For this very reason flavor is illusive and often betrays our better judgement. Did you know, for instance, that food producers quite frequently add flavorants? Have you ever even heard the word flavorant? It’s okay – me either. Primary function of flavorant? Flavoring shit.

This leads me to the logical conclusion that we don’t actually know what the flavor of anything is anymore. We simply have no idea because evil scientists are using our senses against us. One prominent consipiracy theorist has suggested that a secret society (based on the East Coast) called the Republicans are using flavor against us in order to promote obesity, thus creating a greater need for health services. Sure, you’re thinking, “that’s just not possible.”

Take another bite of your Snickers bar and open your eyes! If your taste and smell have betrayed you, maybe your sight is still okay. See flavor for what it is:

A marketing tool that is destroying America.

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It’s not often discussed, but Chafing sucks a lot. Let’s say you’re taking a hike. You’re excited because you don’t often get to hike. You sit in front of a computer and you want to reconnect to the outdoors. You start on your little hike and about 20 minutes into it the pain and irritation begins. Maybe it’s between your legs near your junk. Now, it hurts and you’re self conscious because you keep trying to readjust – put some fabric between the two irritated parts of your body. Some beautiful, fit woman runs by and you’re playing with your junk. It sucks.

Try this stuff, it works. Sports Shield.

Rub it all over your junk and feel like you just got lubed up for the big race. It’s got that roll-on ball on the top of it, it feels good. Real good.

Chafing = Bad. Lubrication = Good.

Have a good weekend.

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My Review: 8.5

There are few pleasures greater than getting into a Ford F-250 at about 7:30am, heading to Home Depot after a restless night of drinking thanks to a few too many shots of Jack, Jerry Reed on the radio singing “East Bound and Down,” heading down Mulholland HWY in the Santa Monica Mountains while spitting that foul clump of mucous-inspired chew out the window splashing down the side of the dirty white F-250 painting brown flames on the side which the the truck wears like badges of honor chugging down the road at 8 miles per gallon.

But, other than that Red Man Chew is a terrible habit that doesn’t exactly get you laid. In fact, it turns off most people, makes your mom mad and creates a phobia of coffee cups that you’re not quite sure if you’ve spit in or not. It only costs about $5 bag in California which means that it must cost about $2 in any other tobacco-friendly state.

Here’s a few tips to make your chewing tobacco experience better:

First, spit into coffee cups (Starbucks preferred by this satisfied customer) with the top on. It’s very easy to make a seal on the opening and that little hole in the top will push your air out as you push the thick liquid in. My second tip is stick to Red Man original. It comes in a green package. Don’t try the stuff in the Gold Package known as Golden Blend. It’s really sweet and I don’t think it’s the way that God had intended it. My third and final tip is to be very careful when you spit out of a car. It’s easy to experience “blow back.” It’s not good especially when there is someone in the back seat (sorry, Joel).

As for my review, Red Man gets an 8.5 because it’s not exactly a healthy product. However, I will say when you’re constipated there are few things that are more “cleansing” than Red Man. So, go out and buy yourself a bag, sit back, enjoy and please monitor which coffee cup has the hot coffee and which one doesn’t.

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