1TO10REVIEWS

My Review: 4

When people say “let’s eat in the cafeteria” I do not get excited. I mostly feel glum. Cafeteria food is rarely excellent; in fact it generally sucks. Cafeteria food (by and large) is created out of budget priced, substandard ingredients by food service employees that rarely make more than minimum wage or have much in the way of training and experience.

There are exceptions. I’ve been told that Google’s cafeteria kicks ass. Lots of things about Google kick ass, so why not the cafeteria? But, I do not work at Google, and so most of my cafeteria experiences have been shitty.

Another Google Cafeteria Pic

The food is often geasy, it’s heavy on carbs and starches (cheap filler) and the meat is usually of poor quality andpoorly prepared. Sometimes they have a salad bar. Yay. Cheap greens with canned vegetables.

Cafeterias also remind me of certain things, places, and events. My freshman year of college (Go Gauchos) I lived in the dorms and ate in the Cafeteria - all the food you could eat, as long as you got there on time. All the gross food you can eat at the De La Guerra Dining Commons.

Also (and this one makes me smile) I am forced to remember Bluto Blutarski and the Food Fight scene in Animal House. What a fantastic scene. What a fantastic movie.

But, overall, I can’t help feeling negatively about Cafeterias, the food they serve, and the terrible, defeated ambiance they promote.

A 4, and that’s generous.

My Review: 7

Some men have a juicy butt. By juicy I mean large and in charge. Round and a little bubble-icious. This can be difficult. It can cause something of an emotional self-image crisis. But, for some people, no amount of exercise will exorcise your butt. Some of us will always have a round butt.

The trick I have found is to own it. Own your ass. And I’ll tell you something else. There are women out there (plural, they come in droves) that dig a good butt. Lots of women really like it when a guy has some junk in his trunk. I can attest to this because I have been hit on for my wide ass. And I am ok with it. More than ok - it’s become an asset. Pun basically intended.

So, my advice to you (if you are a man with a round butt that sticks out) is not to buy overly baggy clothes in a vain attempt to de-emphasize your ass. You’ll never succeed in de-emphasization. And Im not preaching the other extreme either. No need to buy tight shorts or invest in spandex. But own your ass. Be proud of it, don’t fear it. Let the ladies love you for it… cause they will.

My Review: 2

I think that U-Haul pretty much sucks. It is convenient to have a place where you can rent large trucks and other vehicles which are otherwie unavailable to the average citizen. But in general they suck. Here is a short list of what can (and often does) suck about U-Haul:

1. You make a reservation for a rental, and when you come pick it up it is not there. Too bad for you.
2. You call to confirm your rental before you come get it and liars assure you that is ready to go. (See #1)
3. Boxes are expensive there.
4. Rope and tape are even more expensive.
5. Sometimes you crash into things with a large truck. (Never happened to me, but several friends have had incidents. Truthfully that one can’t really be blamed on the no-talent ass-clowns at U-Haul - any large truck might cause similar issues.)
6. They keep older trucks in their fleet; older trucks with no air conditioning that you get to drive when it’s hot outside. That sucks.
7. Their staff is slow and incompetent - especially at large U-Haul central locations.
8. The small, independent gas station affiliates are difficult to deal with and have small parking lots that are difficult to maneuver.
9. 

The only thing I kind of like about U-Haul is their color: orange is a sweet color. For that reason alone they avoid the low grade of 1, treading the murky water of poor performance and keeping their lips barely above the suffocating water line with a narrowly achieved 2.

Rating: 6

If you’re a man then you have hair on your ass. Some women also have hair on their ass usually in the form of peach fuzz (hopefully). I don’t have too much hair on my ass, but I’m a hairy guy and I, admittedly, have my fair share of ass hair. I’d love to tell you that I’m proud of my ass hair and that if you stood me next to other guys with some ass hair, my ass hair would stand out as particularly attractive ass hair. In fact, I’d love for my ass hair to be a source of pride. But, alas, it is not. Ass hair, in general, is just ass hair.

I have many times pondered, “what is the purpose of ass hair?” I’m sure you’ve wondered too. Luckily for the loyal readers of 1to10reviews, I have discovered the authoritative work on ass hair purpose.

Here’s a tidbit of what the following link contains:

“I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a
towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the
cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair.”

http://www.team-ninja.com/vbulletin/archive/index.php/t-10185.html

Based on this review, I give ass hair a solid 6.

I have a headache. It gets a 2.

Headaches suck; sometimes your head hurts in the back, and sometimes it hurts at the temples. Once in a while it even hurts in the very front.

If you have a great deal of stress or tension you may develop a headache. If you hit yourself in the head with a hammer you might also develop a headache.

Sometimes a headache can really make you feel miserable emotionally, especially if you do have stress, or you are upset for other personal reasons.

There is one good thing about having a headache. If you have a headache, it means you are still alive. Only living people can feel pain; dead ones don’t mind so much. That is the only reason it gets a 2 and not a 1.

Here is an article from Wikipedia, written by people who are probably much smarter than me (and probably much smarter than you if you are reading this blog) about headaches.

————————————————————————————-

This person definitely has, or will have a headache. Avoid this situation:

Bad Headache.jpg

My Review: 4

Many people pierce their bodies. Personally, I am not a fan of the practice.

Now don’t get me wrong here, it’s your body and you can do as you please. I’ll even march in a parade with you to demonstrate for your right to do as you please with your body. I’m just saying that personally, it does nothing for me. Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction when Rosanna Arquette and John Travolta are talking and John asks her why she has so many piercings? That question (and scene) embodies my feelings. The specific question and answer don’t matter; it’s more an issue of understanding. I just don’t really see the appeal.

And piercing can run the gamut from a relatively innocuous ear piercing:

to a slightly more aggressive tongue piercing:

up to some pretty bizarre and eccentric efforts at shoving spikes of metal (large and small) through parts of one’s anatomy.

There are also some R rated piercings - these are for adults only please.

Adult Viewers 1               Adult Viewers 2

Bottom line here for me? I don’t want to do it, it looks downright uncomfortable. QED: a rating of 4 out of 10.

Column. Damn. Autumn. Condemn. Hymn.

My Review: 7

These are interesting words with an interesting letter combination. What’s the point? Why have those letters together if they do nothing for pronunciation? I mean, we could really get into it on the phonetics of the English language, so I don’t want to wade too deeply into that one, but it’s still a funny little combo.

Why not write: “colum”? Seems adequate to me.

Column

But, there’s a style, a “flavor” to those two letters when they’re in cahoots. Maybe it’s because they sit so close together in the alphabet. Maybe M secretly says “tell P to fuck off” and “I think L is a pussy” to N when they’re hanging out together. Or maybe it’s that secretive “nnnn” sounds that vibrates in your head after you a word like that. Hymnnnn.

Hymn                 Autumn

Yet, is style enough? Is it elitist and pretentious to write Autumn with an N at the end of the word for no other reason that style? My guess is that there are etymological reasons (etymology is the study of the history of words) based on language of origin behind some of them.

And again, maybe it depends on word variation. Hym might be fine for a prayer song. But Hymnal (a bok of prayer songs) is much better than Hymal. Who says Hymal?

My review of this letter combination is a 7. Some may say its elitist, but I don’t care. I like mn as a combination, and anyone who thinks different is a comnunist.

Damn

My Rating: 3.5

Contrary to popular belief, flavor (or flavour if you’re pretentious) is caused by a combination of both taste and smell. Because it is a combination of two senses, not just one, it is an art not a science. For this very reason flavor is illusive and often betrays our better judgement. Did you know, for instance, that food producers quite frequently add flavorants? Have you ever even heard the word flavorant? It’s okay - me either. Primary function of flavorant? Flavoring shit.

This leads me to the logical conclusion that we don’t actually know what the flavor of anything is anymore. We simply have no idea because evil scientists are using our senses against us. One prominent consipiracy theorist has suggested that a secret society (based on the East Coast) called the Republicans are using flavor against us in order to promote obesity, thus creating a greater need for health services. Sure, you’re thinking, “that’s just not possible.”

Take another bite of your Snickers bar and open your eyes! If your taste and smell have betrayed you, maybe your sight is still okay. See flavor for what it is:

A marketing tool that is destroying America.

My Review: 8.5

There are few pleasures greater than getting into a Ford F-250 at about 7:30am, heading to Home Depot after a restless night of drinking thanks to a few too many shots of Jack, Jerry Reed on the radio singing “East Bound and Down,” heading down Mulholland HWY in the Santa Monica Mountains while spitting that foul clump of mucous-inspired chew out the window splashing down the side of the dirty white F-250 painting brown flames on the side which the the truck wears like badges of honor chugging down the road at 8 miles per gallon.

But, other than that Red Man Chew is a terrible habit that doesn’t exactly get you laid. In fact, it turns off most people, makes your mom mad and creates a phobia of coffee cups that you’re not quite sure if you’ve spit in or not. It only costs about $5 bag in California which means that it must cost about $2 in any other tobacco-friendly state.

Here’s a few tips to make your chewing tobacco experience better:

First, spit into coffee cups (Starbucks preferred by this satisfied customer) with the top on. It’s very easy to make a seal on the opening and that little hole in the top will push your air out as you push the thick liquid in. My second tip is stick to Red Man original. It comes in a green package. Don’t try the stuff in the Gold Package known as Golden Blend. It’s really sweet and I don’t think it’s the way that God had intended it. My third and final tip is to be very careful when you spit out of a car. It’s easy to experience “blow back.” It’s not good especially when there is someone in the back seat (sorry, Joel).

As for my review, Red Man gets an 8.5 because it’s not exactly a healthy product. However, I will say when you’re constipated there are few things that are more “cleansing” than Red Man. So, go out and buy yourself a bag, sit back, enjoy and please monitor which coffee cup has the hot coffee and which one doesn’t.